The period of defiance - advice on how to manage it. When does it start and how long does it last?
Children's defiance, especially when they did not get what they wanted and their expectations and demands were not met, is a natural phenomenon. A parent will meet him sooner or later with his child. The period of defiance is a stage that is typical for children between the ages of 2 and 3, but the onset of defiant behavior can also appear at a younger or older age. However, the first period of defiance can put a parent, especially a first-time parent, in a surprising and unpleasant situation. That is why it is good to know how to handle the period of defiance in children. How long does it last, how does it manifest itself or how to deal with the period of resistance?
Author:Emily Anderson
Updated: 06.12.2023
- What is a period of defiance?
- When does the defiance period begin?
- How long is the period of defiance?
- Reasons for the period of defiance
- The period of defiance and its manifestations
- How to (not) deal with a period of defiance
- How to handle a period of defiance?
- Experiences
- The most frequent questions - FAQ
- Comments
If there was a universal guide that would apply to all sullen children, parents would have it much easier. It is important to remember that every child is an individual and the child's first period of defiance, as well as its solution, can be diametrically different in specific cases. First of all, it is important on the part of the parent to understand the signs of defiance in children and only then to try ways to control the "unmanageable child".
What is a period of defiance?
Folks call this phase of the child "first puberty", because even during the first period of defiance, fundamental changes take place in the child's organism, which significantly shape the child's future personality. We can define the first period of defiance as a very natural process that a child has to go through as part of his intellectual development. This is also due to the hormones that are raging in the child. A child's behavior in early childhood affects emotional, social and psychological development. During this period, the child's brain reacts very sensitively and intensively to its environment, including its parents. In this phase, the child tries to assert himself and at the same time begins to realize his own will.
This is related to the fact that the child tries to achieve what he wants at any cost, but he is unable to realize that he can hurt, disappoint or anger those around him. It is therefore extremely important that the parent's reaction to his sullen behavior is adequate. Otherwise, the child from that period may take away problems with self-acceptance and the feeling that he is not worthy of the recognition and love of his parents.
It is not a rule that every child's first period of defiance must be manifested by screaming, crying and bursts of emotions. In some children, it may only last a short time, fade away naturally and may not have typical negative characteristics.
When does the defiance period begin?
A period of resistance around the 2nd to 3rd year (13 to 36 months) is most typical. This period of toddlerhood is characterized by significant changes in the organism and it does not only concern physical parameters, but also the aforementioned emotional, social and psychological changes that are related to the development of his personality. However, a period of defiance earlier in the 1st year or a period of defiance at the age of 5 in a preschooler is also nothing unusual, therefore it is not possible to tie the period of defiance exactly to a specific age. At the same time, the onset of the defiant period and its manifestations can be very different for each child.
How long is the period of defiance?
The positive thing for parents is that this period does not last forever. On the other hand, just as it is impossible to determine when this defiant phase will break out, it is also impossible to determine exactly when it will end. Every child is an individual and the course of the period of resistance is different, it differs not only in duration, but also in intensity. For some, this sullen and defiant behavior can last for months and for others, years. For some children it will be occasional crying, for others it will be outbursts of anger and clenched fists.
For example, the second period of defiance in children is also very typical. Which is typical for the age from 10 to 16 years and parents know it well under the term puberty. Significant hormonal changes change the child, as well as his opinions, attitudes and behavior. Which period of resistance is more difficult for parents is always very individual.
Reasons for the period of defiance
Understanding why children behave defiantly is the most important thing for a parent. Defiance in children does not necessarily mean that they want to do bad things and harm those around them. It is primarily the fact that they cannot control their emotions, react to impulses, cannot respect something, do not perceive rules or other people's feelings. They do not understand why the given action is unreasonable and unfair. The child gets to know himself and his emotional development prevents him from being able to manage or express these emotions adequately. It does not allow him the emotional state, but for example not even the speech skills, to say what he feels and realize it.
The child subsequently releases his frustration with typical hysterical expressions such as screaming, crying and anger in order to achieve what he wants. Defiant children can be resistant even to the love of their parents, because they try to assert their influence. Therefore, the parent must understand the reasons for this period and approach the subsequent manifestations very sensitively, so that anger on the part of the parent does not cause the child to have problems with self-expression and self-control later on.
The period of defiance and its manifestations
How does the period of defiance manifest itself? We have already mentioned some of the speeches above. In general, however, we can say that the typical manifestations of the period of defiance in children are frustration and outbursts of anger. Even less noticeable impulses can trigger a hysterical attack in children during this period. The child always wants to get his way, cannot react and does not even have the capacity to control his reaction. Due to his development, it is impossible to avoid such situations, and again we come to how to manage the period of defiance as best as possible.
Screaming, crying, throwing yourself on the ground and possessive tendencies are also typical, for example in relation to your toys. If someone takes them from him, he starts to show his frustration by screaming and crying. His effort is again only to assert himself, but even these emotions the child is not able to control, control and does not understand them in this period.
How to (not) deal with a period of defiance
The solution to the period of defiance does not have a precise and proven manual, but it has certain principles and rules. Above all, it is important to avoid procedures that can do more harm than good, even though they might seem effective at first glance. Here are some methods that you should not apply to a sulky child:
- Ignoring the child and his outburst of anger - you may have heard this advice many times, but definitely do not follow it. The only thing you will achieve by ignoring a crying and screaming child is that he will get the feeling that the parent is not there for him in need when he calls for help and understanding. This weakens the bond that you and your child have built up to this period.
- Anger as a reaction to anger - even the parent's anger, shouting and trying to out-shout the child will not contribute to solving the situation in any way. Letting your child know that you, as a parent, cannot control yourself and will react with irritation is the worst possible signal.
- Fight or punishment - the worst thing you can do at this stage is to react aggressively to the child. Although you want to calm the child, physical punishment or threats will only make the situation worse, and in addition, a child who cannot process his emotions will fixate on the feeling of fear and not the feeling that the parent is there to help him.
- Send the child away or leave - by leaving the child alone or sending him to the room, you will encourage the development of anxiety states. Such ignoring and encouraging the suppression of emotions can later culminate in a much worse reaction, and moreover, the child cannot even understand what was wrong with his reaction. Closing the door in front of the child is also not a good solution. Such an action is traumatic for the child. The fact that a child feels that a parent has abandoned him in such an emotional situation can trigger stress and panic. Such a feeling of insecurity is undesirable, and intimidation of children at a later age causes increased crying and further defiance even towards authorities.
- Let the child know that he is bad - telling the child how naughty and bad he is makes him feel that he is not good enough for those around him. In the same way, there is no point in explaining to the child why his reaction is inappropriate during a hysterical attack. The child needs to be understood and listened to, not to listen to sermons at this time.
How to handle a period of defiance?
In managing this defiant period, it is the parent who bears responsibility for how the child copes with these conditions. The child takes away experiences from this period, which he will later use when handling other emotional situations. It is all the more important to use methods and practices that give the child a sense of security that the parent is there to help him work with his emotions. Teaching a child to manage anger is key, so that he learns that he can assert himself in other, more acceptable ways. The child will gradually begin to understand his emotions and will naturally develop empathy over time. And how to overcome the period of defiance, the best way? Here are some tried-and-tested tips for the resistance period, but they may not always work either.
Understand and name feelings in the child
Even if you don't see any logic at the moment why the child behaves the way he does, try to empathize with his feelings and name them. A fit of anger, screaming or throwing yourself on the ground? It is important to keep calm, which is easier said than done. However, believe that your reaction is the best solution. The child wants to assert himself, despite the fact that his request has no logic. Speak to the child and name the reason why the situation arose. “Are you angry because we don't want to buy you this toy? Are you crying because you are afraid to go to the doctor? Are you screaming because you still want to stay on the field?" Even such an obvious naming of the reasons for frustration can be important for his future development.
Listen and explain the consequence
It is difficult to calm a screaming, crying, hysterical child by talking to him quietly. Especially if the whole drama takes place in a store or other public place. Tell the child that you understand why he acts this way, name the situation and explain to him why it is not possible or under what circumstances it is possible.
However, in a tantrum, it is normal for a defiant child to not notice and not listen. Sometimes there is no other option than to hug the child and take it from the store (change of environment). You explain the whole process and the consequence of why he didn't get/didn't get what he wanted, in private, without shouting and crying, when the biggest rush of emotions subsides. Explain to him that if he screams and cries, it will be difficult for you to understand what he wants.
Setting boundaries and no concessions
When asking about the period of defiance, it is important to understand that if the child wants to assert himself, it will not be possible at any cost. What should a child know? It is a rule that a child should never force what he wants by shouting, crying and defiance. In practice, however, it usually happens that in certain tense situations the parent gives in and complies with the child's defiant demands, just to keep the peace. Naturally, nothing is achieved by screaming and crying, and the child must know that.
Sometimes it is necessary that you set boundaries firmly, but empathetically. If the child can't calm down, hold him or stroke him. When the attack subsides, it is time to understand, listen, name and explain why such a reaction is inappropriate. Emphasize that such a situation should not happen again. Without having to threaten or scare the child.
A strong hug and caress
Although you are often the main enemy in the eyes of your child during an outburst of anger, this method can be surprising enough for your child that it works. No need to fear rejection. The fact that the child pushes away or rejects the parent in a rush of emotions does not mean that the hint of a hug does not trigger a positive impulse in the child. Hug and pet the baby until he calms down. There is no need to calm him down, reprimand or instruct him at this moment. By hugging him, you give him a sense of security that you understand him, and the "but" will come only later, when you clearly explain to him why such behavior was wrong.
Direct the child's attention to something else
Like a hug, this solution may not be met with understanding, because every child is different. However, if you feel that a situation is approaching when your child will want to assert his/her way through defiance, try to direct attention to another stimulus. Try to distract him, for example with questions like "Do you still remember..., Do you know that...". Alternatively, focus your attention on the surrounding people, animals, cars or other stimuli. Thus, the child begins to think intensively about something else, which pulls him out of an emotionally tense situation.
Laugh, laugh and laugh
Sometimes the simplest solution can work. Grimaces, funny sounds, theater, tickling or games. Inducing laughter in a child at a stage when emotions are beating in his body and he is overcoming a hysterical attack can really work, and especially the child does not expect you to react with humor. There is nothing better than when hysterical crying turns into sincere laughter.
Experiences
According to experience, mothers encounter a period of defiance especially if the child has a younger sibling. In defiance, the child shows his jealousy and shows that he doesn't like that his parents don't spend so much time with him anymore. Weaning a younger child from breastfeeding (of course, only after at least 6 months) and a stricter approach can help. According to mothers, a child needs to have boundaries and know what he can afford.
The most frequent questions - FAQ
Have you experienced a period of defiance in your child? Your advice and recommendations can help other parents of children or future parents. We will be very happy if you join the discussion under the article. Do you need advice on how to deal with the period of defiance in children? Write us your questions in the comments, we will be happy to advise you.
When does the period of defiance start?
How long does the refractory period last?
How does the period of defiance manifest itself?
How to handle the period of defiance?
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